Family

Today was a very happy-sad day. Because our family lives in two universes -- the one in San Rafael, and the one in Palo Alto -- we usually have at least two different kinds of days. For me in San Rafael, it was a great day. For Jason and for Cora, a not-so-great day.

I woke up this morning and walked downtown with Dominic and Cosette. In our prior life, we started almost every weekend day with a walk downtown as a family, we got coffee and let the kids run around and play. Doing that routine with the kids this morning made me so happy, but it also made me sad, again not being able to rid myself of the pictures I had of how the five of us were supposed to do these things together. Still it was so wonderful to chase Dom and Cosie through the park and to hear their ringing laughs as I raced them down the sidewalks in their double stroller.

Meanwhile at the hospital Jason was informed that all of Cora's blood cultures, even the one that was previously negative, are now positive. This means that her infection is not yet responding to the antibiotics, and it's very worrisome. The doctors decided they needed to remove her broviac since this line is the source of the infection. It's always so hard to get IV access on Cora, especially stable access, and that's the line she went to the cath lab to get. But there's no doubt it needed to come out, even though I was hoping not. So they removed it, which was pretty painful for Cora, and I'm sure hard for Jason to watch. Afterward they were able to get an IV in her after just a few tries. We'll see how long it will last.

The news about the cultures further delays our move back to UC. Stanford will need to see 48 hours of negative results in order to clear us for transport, so hopefully we'll get lucky and tomorrow's results will get us headed on the right path. We had hoped for a transport on Monday, but now I'd say that's a long shot.

The rest of our day here in Marin was truly wonderful. I took Dominic to one of his best friend's birthday parties and watched him run around, carefree. This evening I went to dinner with some of my dear friends and laughed a lot. I needed that. Carolyn watched Dom and Cosie at her house, and I loved hearing her stories afterward of how sweet and fun the two of them were together. They picked carrots in the yard, fed the fish, went in the hot tub, and whispered stories to each other as they were falling asleep. When I picked them up I carried them, snoozing, through the rain and into the car to head for home. Looking in the rearview mirror I could see them back there with their heads rested on each other. They are so amazing, so beautiful, so perfect.

Earlier today Dom had explained to someone where he sat in our car. He pointed to his seat, "this is where I sit, and this is where Cosie sits," and pointing to the other empty seat, "and this is where Cora sits when she's home." And yesterday Cosie picked up a pretend phone and said, "good morning Cora, do you like your nurse today?" They are a constant reminder that there is something much deeper about family than circumstances. No matter how abnormal our life is, no matter how pathetically few days Cora has actually lived with our family, she is already a complete and permanent member who is deeply loved by all of us.

I just finished putting together the kids' Easter baskets. Three baskets, one for each of the kids, hidden around the house, where they belong.