Another birthday, and life in a foreign language

Today is my birthday, and it was actually a pretty good day, all things considered. Jay decided to push his return back to Marin to get the kids for another night, so we were able to spend the day here together. I went for a run, had some visitors, enjoyed a nice dinner, and got a lot of much-appreciated messages from our wonderful friends and family.

I can't help but remember what was going on one year ago. (Actually, I have a terrible memory right now and can't remember anything specific about last year's birthday, but in general, you get the drift.) The two things I know for certain about one year ago are that, 1) I was still cruising around oblivious to the fact that I was even pregnant, and 2) that I never would have imagined in a million years that I'd be where I am today.

Jason and I are now set up in the Ronald McDonald House, about a half mile from the hospital. Hopefully within the next few days we will be transitioned to a more permanent room where the kids can stay as well, but for now we are in a temporary no-kids-allowed wing of the house. I remember seeing a commercial for the McDonald charities many years ago, and I can honestly say I never thought I would be a guest. I'm learning that life is just like that.

Cora did reasonably well today. She went back onto the hi-flow nasal cannula -- for those that don't know, it provides additional respiratory support. She also seemed much more comfortable with the higher dose of one of her IV meds that they increased yesterday. There were several unsuccessful tries for a new line, but no success.

A very kind and very patient doctor spent a long time tonight explaining more about cardiac function to us. As we go through this process, we try to follow along as absolutely best we can, with all the numbers, different lab values, all the objective and subjective data points on echocardiograms, oxygen saturations, blood pressures, and so, so many other things. But cardiac care is incredibly complex, and one of the things I find infinitely frustrating is that I just don't know everything about it. We're in a position where we have to rely on people we don't know or barely know, to act in the best interest of our child. We get a lot of information, but we hardly ever get all the information, because there's just so much information at play.

It's like going to Mexico with my whopping four years of high school Spanish education. I can get by. I can find my way to a restroom and pay for something at a shop. But no matter how hard I try, I can't understand the nuances. I can hear what people are saying, but I can understand what they mean only in a very elementary way.

And then I'm supposed to trust that all these people speaking very rapidly in a language of which I can only pick out a few words, are going to mostly determine my child's fate. It feels pretty awful. Yet at the same time, there really isn't a choice. And that's how it works.

Lots of trust, in a sea of powerlessness.

But still there are all the good things and happy moments we still have, and I know we always will have. Spa time with Cora tonight when Jason and I gave her a soapy bath. The happy birthday song, sung to me by my beautiful Dom and Cosie, their little voices, so beautiful and perfect.