The eve of what feels like a big day

Tomorrow is the big day. I could tell today that Cora sensed it. She seemed unsettled and jittery, and she didn't want to have anything to do with the bottle when I tried. She just seemed restless.

At one point she got the doctors' attention for doing a particularly crazy heart rhythm (even for her), but in the end they decided it wasn't any more dangerous than the wacky rhythms she does all the time. Plus she's going in tomorrow anyway.

I'm sure Cora's mood today was feeding off mine because of course I am feeling nervous. Under any other circumstance we're told that getting a pacemaker is "not a big deal." But for a few reasons it will likely be a bigger deal for Cora.

First, it will be another full sternotomy (aka open heart procedure), plus a longer incision to place the device in her tummy. The other thing that makes me nervous is that Cora has historically not appreciated being paced by a device. Immediately following her initial surgery back in November they tried pacing her many times for various reasons, and she always responded by dropping her vitals and scaring the bejesus out of everyone. Then they tried her on a drug back at Stanford to increase her heart rate and she really struggled. They also tried pacing her in the cath lab a couple of weeks ago and her heart became significantly less efficient. So even though I know she needs to have the pacemaker, I worry her body is going to throw a fit about it.

I left Cora this afternoon and switched places with Jay. The kids and I went for dinner at a friend's house and Dom and Cosie rode around in their hot pink, electric toy Cadillac Escalade. It was awesome. Every time my mind wandered to tomorrow I thought, "do your job." And tonight my job was to be the good strong and happy mom that these two needed. To play outside, to read out loud an exhausting number of pages from the Star Wars field guide, and to just keep on laughing.

Dom knows Cora will have surgery tomorrow and that she is getting a box in her tummy that will help her heart beat. Even he knows that your heart is what makes you big and strong, so this is important. In his mind she became even cooler tonight for getting a box. He thinks it is for her batteries. And as we all know, things with batteries are cool.

At midnight tonight Cora will get labs and a chest X-ray and the whole pre-op work up to make sure she is green lighted for the procedure. They will also stop feeding her and transition her to IV fluids. We anticipate they will take her down for surgery in the early to mid afternoon.

Three ICU nurses, one of the intensivist physicians, and Cora's cardiologist all came by to say hello this evening and to check on her. Further proof she really is in loving hands, and tomorrow's surgery will be no different.

My prayer tonight is the same as it always is: bless Cora and give her strength. Let me be the mom Cora and the other kids need. Let me be able to walk the road, whatever the road is. Let me not spaz out. Let me be in the moment. And then I thank god for all the big and messy and wonderful pieces of our amazing life.