So very tired of all of this

There is no real progress to report this evening. Cora is still on the ventilator and not showing the improvements that we had hoped she would be starting to make by now. Then again, she's not getting worse, so I'm grateful for that.

She's still so stressed and mad every time she comes-to, so they added another sedative drip this evening to keep her more comfortable. She's so unhappy with this situation. Because she is intubated she can't make any sound when she cries, so you just see her staring at you with these incredibly sad eyes, crying as hard as she can, and yet the room is completely silent. Tonight she had big tears as well. It's basically awful. Just the worst.

I just want her to be able to sleep through this terrible phase and never remember a thing.

This morning a family friend and I took Dom and Cosie to the farmer's market. They bounced in the jumpy houses and took a pony ride and tasted fruit and ran around. At one point Cosie was having trouble climbing up the ladder to a slide and Dom, without being asked, just lifted her foot up to help her. They break my heart with their goodness. Love just pours out of them.

Honestly, as I sit here at Cora's bedside listening to the hum of the machines, getting up every few minutes to help comfort Cora, I really feel I am at a loss. There is a sizable pit in my stomach. Just a few days ago Cora was smiling and cooing and learning to hold her head up.

Those happy days feel very far from where I'm sitting tonight.

We knew it was going to be somewhat challenging but I had no idea it would be this hard for her. I think Jason and I both feel this terrible weight, like we caused this by putting her through the surgery. I know it was necessary and we didn't have a choice. I believe that and I know it's true. But my mom emotions beg to differ and it's hard to remember that. It's hard to swallow because this process has made her, at least in the short term, so much sicker.

Honestly, I don't know what to feel. Scared, guilty, tired, grateful, hopeful, powerless, sad. Those are just some of the feelings I have running on a continuous loop, with an emphasis tonight on tired. So hard to watch someone I love to the ends of the earth, endure so much. It just goes on and on for her, and there doesn't seem to be a single thing I can do about it.