Three Little People

Today Cora was about the same from a medical standpoint but she seemed a little more content. It felt like a relief for me to talk to her and pet her and do all the normal baby things, instead of just consoling her all day.

This morning a couple of the nurses stood talking to me and just admiring Cora. They weren't discussing her problems; they were just there to love her. I felt so proud.

Nonetheless, we had some scary episodes today; the scariest one being something that happened this afternoon. The attending physician had ordered a CT scan of her lungs, which today were even worse than yesterday. The fluid on her lungs is actually a separate issue from the pulmonary hypertension, but together the problems have Cora really struggling. Because of how fragile she has been, the charge nurse who was arranging for transport had the good sense to have two nurses to accompany Cora down to the radiology room where the CT would be performed. I went too. As soon as we set Cora on the bed for the scan she just fell apart. Her oxygen saturations went very, very low and she turned a terrible color. Despite trying different things to help her, Cora stayed that way for the better part of ten or fifteen minutes. I wondered if we would end up calling a code. Once she came back a little she was whisked back upstairs and the CT scan was called off. It was no longer as important as just keeping Cora stable.

Anyway, after that drama Cora got an expedient upgrade to 7 East, the PCICU (pediatric cardiac ICU). She's spent much of her life there and it always feels a reassuring place to be, even though that may sound strange. It should be telling that when I walked in, one of the nurses who has worked there for over 25 years said, "welcome home," and I felt glad.

Overall Cora is stable tonight, and she's in very good hands. Back to having her own dedicated nurse to watch out for her and grab her should she try to fall off of any cliffs. Tomorrow she will go for her cath procedure, and that's when we hope to get many answers to the questions of the past several days. Right now there's just a general sense of the spooky unknown, and my desire to keep Cora happy and comfortable through everything.

I should mention that in addition to the spooky unknown, there is one lovely, tremendous little girl who spent today wearing her pink "Miracle" t-shirt, and who casted her peaceful little spell on everyone she encountered. There is also one very sensitive, very wise little boy, and his sidekick, a very loving, outspoken and spicy little meatball.

They each and all fill out the parts of me that were unfinished before they arrived.

Each of them is so much, and like all children they can suck the life out of you and put the life back in, all within a three minute period. But they're the only way I can get through this life. I see them as little bundles of grace, and they spill light over every place they go.