Being Happy

We're still here, back in our very familiar room at UCSF. Not a great deal has changed, although Cora's lungs have responded well to the increased dose of diuretic and she is more or less back to her baseline. However, it doesn't seem like we are going anywhere too soon. 

The biggest concern, bigger than her lung difficulties or her enlarged liver, is her failure to gain weight. Most people see pictures and comment on Cora's chubs. She has them! But despite the appearance of those munchie little thighs, she actually hasn't gained any weight since late March. So while Cora is inpatient now they are running tests to try to get to the bottom of this issue. Today she had a caloric study wherein they basically put a large plastic bubble over her head that measures the amount of oxygen she requires and somehow extrapolates from that exactly how many calories Cora burns over a period of time. (Science is crazy!)

Depending on what these tests reveal, there may be actions to take during this hospitalization. One possibility I have mentioned before is her getting a line for the long term administration of IV nutrients. We will just have to wait and see about everything, as usual. In the meantime we can plan on at least a few more days of information gathering.

Of course we are growing tired of the revolving door on this hospital. We had gotten into a rhythm during these past couple of weeks where we were figuring out how to do this, no matter how hard, and we were enjoying the luxury of all being together under the same roof. This has thrown a wrench into that (again) and it is a bitter reminder that it's probably just going to be like this for a while.

Monday I will go back to work for real. I keep trying to plan my return when things are settled and normal but my very pragmatic husband reminds me that now is just as good a time as any. Normal and settled are not forecasted for us any time soon. So I will go back, and we'll just take each thing as it comes and figure out how to do it when the situation presents. It will all work out, I know.

This morning Jason was at the hospital, Dominic was at preschool, and Cosette and I went to the farmer's market. Watching Cosie's wild pigtails as she jumped, carefree and completely delighted, in the bounce house, was enough to erase most of my problems. 

Moments like that make me so happy. 

All I want is to erase all the pain and worry from all three of them: Dominic, Cosette and Cora alike. And with my extra super powers I'd erase it from Jason too. All my life, I've lived to be happy. Messy, sad, unsolvable situations are my kryptonite. But yet here this situation is, in my lap, and there's really not a single thing I can do about it, except to accept life, exactly as it is, in each moment. And still strive to find the hidden happy in everything. Suck up the low points, no matter how undesirable. Spend less time dreaming about the tasty piece of cake I should have been handed. Live for the bounce houses, the thirty-seven thumbs-ups Dom gave me during today's swim lesson, the zoo, the pool time Cora floats, the pure love that has risen to the top of a murky situation and refuses to be ignored.